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30/10/2020: Karnt Bjarst Defeated in Europe's Laziest Man Contest

In a thrilling and controversial final, Karnt Bjarst, the five times champion of Europe's Laziest Man has been deposed! His long term rival, Bo Neyerdal from the Netherlands out-lazied the Inertial Swede live on television last night.

I have to say that watching these two giants of lethargy in split screen inaction is the kind of entertainment that has inspired a generation.

From the outset, it was a thrilling contest, starting with the question and answer round. Mostly the contestants didn't answer as they couldn't be bothered, but one question touched a nerve; "Have you ever had a job? If so, how did you lose it?"

Karnt Bjarst went first, explaining that he had once worked for Monmouthshire County Council's Highways Department. The interviewer nodded and bade him carry on. Well, it seems that he was dismissed on day one for 'Insufficient Commitment'. This followed a complaint from his fellow workers about him only using one elbow to lean on his shovel. They said it made him look like he was working harder than them, which could cause damage to their reputation, so he had to go.

The ball was now in Bo Neyerdal's court. Yes, he had once had a job as a diesel fitter in a lingerie factory. His personal interviewer looked shocked. "But surely that is a very energetic job?" he queried. Bo explained that all he had to do was hold up pairs of knickers at the end of the production line and declare "Dese'll fit 'er"… Apparently, on day one, he complained of pain in his shoulder from the heavy lifting, took eight weeks paid leave and eventually settled for a very generous industrial injury/redundancy package that was offered by the company.

Advantage Neyerdal! The final round was to be the decider. This was carried out after a period of food and drink deprivation. The game was to move a table full of delicacies closer by intervals, then measure the distance moved by the participant to get food. An unexpected twist was just about to seal the contest.

Apparently, the mobile phone in Bo Neyerdal's pocket, still plugged into the mains charger, overheated and burst into flames. He sat still as a stone. Soon, despite the pleading of the camera crew and interview team, he was totally engulfed in flames, the accumulation of fat on his chair cover from years of junk food spillage joined the conflagration and all was lost for Karnt Bjarst. He couldn't upstage such a feat of indolence, and graciously conceded the contest.

Bo Neyerdal's trophy will be awarded posthumously in a ceremony at the end of November. Publishing the venue is not thought necessary as nobody is expected to turn up, preferring to stay at home and emulate their idle idols. Betting has started for next year and Karnt Bjarst is a hot favourite to regain his crown.

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