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24/10/2018: Record attendance at wedding in Farkham Parva

We had a massive turnout for a quiet wedding at the church of St Olav the Insignificant in Farkham Parva at the weekend. This sign may have been the cause, implying a celebrity attendance that was never to be.

The problem came when Ivor Parrish, appalingvicarbastard of the Farkhams dictated the sign over his mobile phone to Snitch, the verger. His intention was for it to read "Chuck No Rice at this Saturday's Wedding". However, thanks to a poor signal, his words were misunderstood.

The traditional throwing of rice at weddings is one of the latest activities to be forbidden by the appalingvicarbastard in his church and its surroundings. To remind you of the previous edicts issued by Ivor Parrish, those attending weddings (including the happy couple) are not allowed to:

  • Kiss each other
  • Applaud
  • Video the service(unless a £250 solemnity waiver is paid in advance)
  • Bring flowers as they aggravate his hay fever
  • Sing any hymns other than "Fight the good fight" and "We plough the fields and scatter" as Rosemary Notweed, retired nursery proprietor and church organist has injured her left hand and can only play the bass lines of those two tunes
  • Wear hats with fruit adornments
There were ugly scenes when Parrish and Snitch were face by the angry crowd outside St Olav the Insignificants and the police had to be called to prevent public unrest.

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