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06/09/2015: Appallingvicarbastard evicts

Since selling up Notweeds Nursery & Garden Centre, sisters Rosemary and Heather Notweed have been increasingly interested in the physical and mental benefits of Tai Chi for people who are retired. To ffer these benefits to other Farkham residents of a similar age, the sisters started running regular Tai Chi sessions at the church hall.

In a shock move, Ivor Parrish, the appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams has banned the group from using the church hall. Claiming that the meetings were "anti-religious", Reverend Parrish gave the disappointed group of local senior citizens their marching orders last week.

Dimitri Varkov was called on to interview the interested parties for a piece in Tintern Pravda.

When interviewed, the Notweed sisters were devastated. "All we were doing was trying to share health and wellbeing with people who need it most, and who live otherwise sedentary lives". "There is no religious, or spiritual implication, simply improved balance and coordination for our friends and neighbours".

However, Ivor Parrish had a different take on the position. "I believe that the inventor of these marital arts is the anti-christ himself and people who practice them have no place on hallowed ground". Even when it was explained to him that he must have misread some information somewhere, and the word he wanted was 'martial', as well as the fact that Tai Chi isn't a martial art, merely a controlled and gentle form of exercise that can benefit all ages, he was adamant that his decision was the right one in the eyes of God.

Dimitri went on to remind Rev Parrish that the church hall wasn't on consecrated ground either, but was leased to the church by the local education authority who no longer needed it for a gymnasium. "Varkov!", Dimitri thought he heard him say. "Yes", replied Dimitri, to be told that it was an instruction to leave rather than a call of his name... Most unvicarlike language was being used, but it was clear that the interview was over.

We understand that the regular Tuesday night slot has now been taken over by the local Freemasons, whose Worhipful Master is the brother of Ivor Parrish, while their Lodge undergoes refurbishment. I am just wondering if they are matching the £10 per week contribution to the church funds that the Notweed sisters chipped in?

The appallingvicarbastard was unavailable for further comment as he was taking his modest annual break in Juan les Pins.

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