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26/12/2012: A SOBER Christmas, Courtesy of the AppallingVicarBastard

Ivor Parrish, the AppallingVicarBastard of St Olav the Ignominius' church in the Farkham grounds is up to his old tricks again. To encourage due solemnity and sobriety, he has instigated the Farkham SOBER Christmas. Some of the more cynical parishioners have give this the acronym Solemnity Outweighed by Brown Envelope Receipts.

In true AppallingVicarBastard style, the Reverend Parrish has banned the singing of all Christmas Carols in his church. His claim is that they are too cheerful for such a solemn occasion and lead to far too much smiling, laughing in and singing from the congregation. This, he goes on to say, encourages licentiousness, drinking, overeating and general debauchery in the parish.

When pressed by a number of parents in the parish, mostly accompanies by bewildered and tearful children, the AVB did relent and say that they could sing "In the Bleak Mid-Winter" as it is suitably dirge-like and so inaccurate in terms of geography and history that nobody would ever believe it anyway.

Also, seeing an opportunity, a scale of charges based on relative cheerfulness of carols was devised and pasted to the offertory box. It went like this...

  • £20: Little Donkey or Silent Night
  • £50: Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
  • £100: Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel
  • £250: Joy to the World
  • £500: Hark the Herald Angels Sing
  • £1000 Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel (with actions)
  • £POA: The Ballad of Eskimo Nell, Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
The picture shows Ivor Parrish's father and grandfather, respectively the 11th and 12th AppallingVicarBastards of St Olav's, with My Pal Dimitri and I in the foreground. We were expelled from the choir shortly afterwards for replying when asked who was singing the descant on Sunday, "Varkov and I". For other examples of cash for solemnity, use the 'blog search to find Ivor Parrish on this page.

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