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08/11/2011: You may NOT, repeat NOT kiss the bride

In his lifelong search for solemnity and cash the AVB has now forbidden happy couples to kiss after exchanging wedding vows. If you remember the item about videos of wedding ceremonies, I am sure that you will anticipate the announcement of a sum of money that needs to change hands in order for this new rule to be waived.

Ivor Parrish's other pet hate of the moment is applause at the end of the wedding service. Apparently, this is a guranteed, certified route straight to hell as it once again detracts from the solemnity of the occasion. No cash value has been assigned to the waiving of this particular interpretation of the rules either, but we are keeping a close eye on announcements coming from Farkham vicarage.

When asked how he came by the information on which he bases his pronouncements, Ivor pointed to the fact that he was the 13th generation Appalling Vicar Bastard of the Farkhams to come from the Parrish family, and as such he has a special relationship with God, claiming that She had reached down from the sky with a golden mobile phone that only he could see or hear, and imparted the latest interpretations of Her laws on Wednesday afternoons just before high tea.

I am just waiting to find out how much he would want in order for a couple to consummate their marriage over the altar£ Perhaps the following scale of charges will be posted on the St Olav the Ignominous notice board soon...
Solemnity Waiver Fees
Thinking about kissing the bride£ 12.50
Thinking about sex£ 25.00
Applauding (per hand, so watch it you Bhuddists!)£ 50.00
Kissing the bride£ 125.00
Surcharge for tongues£ 75.00
Use of a video camera or other recording device£ 250.00
Consummating the marriage in the chrurch grounds£ 12,500.50
Consummating the marriage on the altar£ 25,000.50
Vic's top Picks! Perm any five of the above, just£ 40,000.00

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